Oil Profits!!

I would like to say hello to my thousands and thousands of readers: "Hello."
I have figured it out folks, through decades of research, overdue library books, and too many ashtrays, I now know what the oil companies actually do with their profits... Now please, listen, I don't want to alarm any of you, so please just take a seat and relax, it isn't that bad. But it turns out the Exxon and BP and the like have all been pooling their money to keep the 'h' in the word 'whale.'
You may think I am crazy, and you are right. But listen, this is important, the first lamps used whale oil as the main source of fuel, in fact, the only source of fuel. So the blubber we pulled off these mammilian fishies heated our winters and lighted our candles. Those candles provided light to read books, which educated our youth. Our educated youth then industrialized the nation and we have become USA. To put it succinctly: Our great nation was founded upon whale oil.

Something terrible has been happening however. This is the something terrible: literary scholars and syntax pundits have been pushing legislation forth that would change the word 'whale' into 'wale'. What the nation doesn't realize is that the cost to impliment this change would lie soley on the oil companies of today. There is a little known section of Constitutional Bi-Law that states all fundamental spelling changes to the words 'whale', 'scooter' or the phrase 'good golly' will be paid for by the oil companies of the current day. Whichever day that may be the day reading this.

The oil companies have know this for years, and these record profits have all been going back into the lobbyists and linguists who want to remain true to the spelling of 'whale' (and for those in Dutch 'walvis').

I first laughed ridiculously loud when I found this out. But I was a fool. I, like all of you, thought what a ridiculous thing, who cares if 'whale' changes. I mean, yea, I don't like it but I am not going to start a campaign or nothin' because of it. Then I stopped dead in my tracks. Shit. Whale whale whale whale, I couldn't stop saying it, and that is when it struck me: "Whale is everywhere."

The cost to change the word in every book from Moby Dick on down to the Great Encyclopedia of Whales: Billions.

This was just the tip of the iceberg: there are articles and website devoted to whales. There are painting captions and museum exhibits all containing and straining to announce the word 'WHALE' to its audience. These must all be changed.

Every animal planet video, every national geographic. The more I thought the more my brain grew horrified. It took deliberate and cold concentration and a few advil but I was able to stabilize myself and start the calculations. I realized that the oil companies probably had already had their accountants figure out the numbers but I needed to know for myself.

Weeks later my calculations stopped: to change the 'whale' to 'wale', so that the United States of America (I love you stars and stripes!) would be in line with the law, would cost the oil companies upwards of $36 trillion dollars.

So when you are filling your tank cursing the oil companies for their profits I ask that you stop and realize the battle they face and be grateful you are in the shoes you are in. Be strong America!!

Commuting!! Life blurb

Commuting is Awesome!:

Alright Hip Hop nation, let me tell you what's a rockin' in our world. Well, as I get in the subway I want to take off my hat and say "Good Morning Everyone!!!!" and ask each person how they are doing. But I can't. Wait just one second. We pass others all the time and we barely even notice.
We will make eye contact and then break away quickly. You know the cute boy or girl or woman or man that sits acros from you. You both see each others' eyes and you check fingers for rings. only one wife but in my mind i have married a million times before. Our brains have grown so large that we don't care about ourselves. (We are but our thoughts.) I just want a breath of fresh air from the ordinary. Life becomes dull and lifeless when I idle by, but it is gorgeous none the less. Talk to your neighbor!! ask ridiculous questions.

Imagine you are sitting on a bench. Take a look at the man that just sat next to you. He has some nice brown shoes on he does. And a scruffy beard. This man has 'taste' written all over him. He tells you of his day driving down winding mountain's in Italy. His accent speaks of color and culture all too lost in mechanical pounding. You have already made up his life into a movie about European romance and the stock market. How wonderful! But add a twist, bring someone else in the conversation. Ask questions about people' shoes. The more we start talking to each other the more we will start to figure things out.

There are hydrants and bikers and fare! oh my! The commuting is a great experience.Coom

Autumn and the Fall of Man: as a leaf from a tree

October falls directly on the time of year where humans beings begin to awake; to create and fight. Autumn is the time our basic animal desires take over and musk fills the air. As High school musicals begin to explode around the country with the pent up sexual aggression from summer, colleges suck back their students they let free in the grass. Even the leisure of baseball is now ending in a quest for world domination in the World Series. America's most brutal sport of football is now in full swing. with men battling each other over the weekends. Football season. Autumn Season. Right now, here in 2008, as summer fights with winter we are blessed with our most creative and most savage time. I beg and plead of you to make use of it.

Fall is when man is at its finest. I am starting to take out my pen and paper, my paintbrush, my piano. I am going to fill this world with creativity and energy and I want/need help along the way. I want to start an art project that spans mediums yet has coherency. I want it to be simplistic yet beautiful and creating new energy everyday, like an "EarthPoem" Please email me ideas of where to go with this...... earthpoem@gmail.com

Verizon Email

I wanted to post my email so that you had an idea of what I had written:
"Hello Verizon, I am in a bit of a financial strife, as I pay over $100 a month to Verizon for my Blackberry phone and service. My charges came to over $150 when I used international texts. While I had made these texts, I had no idea that these outrageous prices were currently being applied, I mean I have already pledged $100+ a month more to Verizon thinking the plan I had was all inclusive. Alas, it was not, and no warning was given to me before the $41 in charges showed up on my statements. I ask that you refund this money and be more proactive in alerting customers of their uses. I will continue to buy your products if you continue to treat me respectfully! Please address my concerns the best you can. Thanks, David Roman"

So there it is. Good luck fellow people.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive!!

So my Verizon Phone bill surfaced through my pile of laundry this weekend. What a shock!!! $150+. I know what you are asking yourself at this point, and don't worry I have asked myself everyday. How the hell does one rack up such a phone bill in the modern era of "Unlimited IN calling" and enough competition to to make Capitalists jealous. Well it turns out that my text plan carries itself well in the United States, but the second I start texting our English brethran in the UK my per text rates skyrocket. One of my near and dear friends is studying abroad in her home country of the UK, I will not explain this but it is true.



Listen, my plan is already over a hundred dollars because I have sold my soul to RIM and Verizon and purchased a Blackberry with unlimited data and incalling and email and everything else. I figured that my text messages would somewhere be covered or at least I would receive a warning. Well, would I be writing this exert if that were true, probably not. But LISTEN!! after spending 5 minutes on the phone with "nothing they could do" I shot off a quick the quick email to customer service, that took me no more than 5 minutes to write, and lo and behold: $10.38 has been credited to my account. Obviously this doesn't cover the full amount, but really my work can be pro-rated to $60 an hour. But I have to be honest with you and say that the satisfaction of getting something back, from receiving a mini-bail out: Priceless.

Science for our Changing World

I am now the proud owner of an abacus. All of this fuss going on in the news, with the Science trying to recreate the Big Bang, and Russia and Cuba getting friendly again, I decided to see what in the modern day digital could be practically transferred to the analog. So after stumbling around the internet and coming across a video tutorial on the wonders of the abacus I knew what I needed.

This thing is quite useful in deed! It has kept my roommate busy for hours and has also enabled me to add and subtract large numbers with no pen or paper. So when the nuclear holocaust fells our electric supplies I will be the only person the block running any sort of business. Learn to use an abacus.

So what have I learned

**This is tied to the post below**

The good news is that through all this economic turmoil I have learned some valuable lessons as an American. I will list them below:

1.) When I become an Investment Bank never, EVER, lend money to people who can't pay it back.
2.) Collateralized Debt Obligations are as confusing as they sound
3.) If I am going to really f*ck up, make sure my hand is in everyone else's pocket so the government is FORCED to help me.
4.) I now know I can get out of any financial (or just any) conversation by saying "Do you really think you have a better idea of what's going on? I mean with the fall in housing prices, the pain at the pump, Sarah Palin and the Yankees missing the playoffs, I just don't know what to believe anymore." There, you cover every possible re-entry from the other person back into conversation and you can then tip your hat and say "till the 'morrow" or "God only knows my friend" and walk away.
5.) Americans have turned Capitalism into a Religion
6.) Capitalism has turned Americans into gods
7.) a 13 million digit prime number has been discovered (who knew!!)
8.) this number was discovered to help describe US debt
9.) Any crisis at the current moment is the WORST crisis at the current moment
10.) I need to get a physical

Economy Bail Out Plan

The average American has to take a step back and start to formulate their own ideas of what "the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression" really means to them. I personally don't know anyone at Lehman, or at WaMu, so I can't say my friends and family are suffering from this current "crisis." Don't get me wrong, we will feel the effects as time passes, but the sensationalism and outright exploitation of the American people by the Media and by Government makes it sound like we have never gone through a "crisis" before. I crawled and walked through 1987 and black Monday, I have drank and made love through a Y2K and a tech bubble (not to mention that I have played baseball through times of "economic turbulence" and "civil uprisings," went to a few dances while "tensions remained high", I have even found a few jobs these past couple years in spite of this ever-present "disaster." Luckily for us the issue is transparent and the information readily accessible to the average American.

Let's take a look at $700 billion dollars the government will use to save (Praise the Looooord!) us, a number very easily conceived and manageable for the average American. No more than three days go by before I am dropping a $100 billion or so at the supermarket, or writing out a billion dollar check for my dry cleaning. Wait.... I never really come across a billion very often. "OH MY GOD!" the government is making up numbers!! At this time of crisis what better way to let the American people feel at ease than to make up some ridiculous number that they couldn't possibly comprehend, throw in anagrams like CMO and CDO. We have "toxic debt" spilling down our driveways and into your sewer pipes, while the CEOs are washing each other in liquid gold, dancing around in real Italian loafers. Let's get to the point and say, people with money and power created imaginary paper that put a value on what people THOUGHT was going to happen in real estate, that prices were going to go up, and up, and up and everyone could afford anything. They knew it couldn't last forever but they also knew it wasn't going to be them who were going to pay the price. It wasn't some devious plan, constructed over the years in the basement of conservatives and religious extremists, it was just a classic case of steal the cookie from the cookie jar and blaming your older brother. You know its wrong, but you get the reward and someone else pays for it!!! Brilliant! This has been going on from tots to teens to traders on Wall Street. Human nature doesn't just change. However, with these "bankers" trust me, their lives are much worse than yours or mine right now. The biggest and brightest just became the biggest dirt bags you have ever known. If you don't think these people knew what they were doing you are wrong, they just didn't know the 'when' of their consequences. Money was rolling in, and they didn't care. (If you want to sleep better, know that their families hate them because they haven't seen them in two years, their wives are sick of their cheating, and all their dollar bills aren't going to get up and start making them feel better, and supporting them like the friends they tossed along the way.)

You have faith, but I am sorry, it is misguided faith, those guys on Wall Street and in D.C. aren't really that much smarter than you or I, actually they are you and I. We have always held Wall Street and Bankers in such high regard, the educated, the elite, when in fact it is the labor of hard working Americans that bails them out of their cell when their coke addictions and fancy cars no longer hide the scam they have been living on.

Please though, don't worry about your money, don't worry about billions and billions of $$$$, it hasn't been worth anything for a very long time anyways. If you are just seeing the illusion for the first time close your eyes and pretend it never happened. You will be just fine as the generations before us have steadily shown.