Oil Profits!!

I would like to say hello to my thousands and thousands of readers: "Hello."
I have figured it out folks, through decades of research, overdue library books, and too many ashtrays, I now know what the oil companies actually do with their profits... Now please, listen, I don't want to alarm any of you, so please just take a seat and relax, it isn't that bad. But it turns out the Exxon and BP and the like have all been pooling their money to keep the 'h' in the word 'whale.'
You may think I am crazy, and you are right. But listen, this is important, the first lamps used whale oil as the main source of fuel, in fact, the only source of fuel. So the blubber we pulled off these mammilian fishies heated our winters and lighted our candles. Those candles provided light to read books, which educated our youth. Our educated youth then industrialized the nation and we have become USA. To put it succinctly: Our great nation was founded upon whale oil.

Something terrible has been happening however. This is the something terrible: literary scholars and syntax pundits have been pushing legislation forth that would change the word 'whale' into 'wale'. What the nation doesn't realize is that the cost to impliment this change would lie soley on the oil companies of today. There is a little known section of Constitutional Bi-Law that states all fundamental spelling changes to the words 'whale', 'scooter' or the phrase 'good golly' will be paid for by the oil companies of the current day. Whichever day that may be the day reading this.

The oil companies have know this for years, and these record profits have all been going back into the lobbyists and linguists who want to remain true to the spelling of 'whale' (and for those in Dutch 'walvis').

I first laughed ridiculously loud when I found this out. But I was a fool. I, like all of you, thought what a ridiculous thing, who cares if 'whale' changes. I mean, yea, I don't like it but I am not going to start a campaign or nothin' because of it. Then I stopped dead in my tracks. Shit. Whale whale whale whale, I couldn't stop saying it, and that is when it struck me: "Whale is everywhere."

The cost to change the word in every book from Moby Dick on down to the Great Encyclopedia of Whales: Billions.

This was just the tip of the iceberg: there are articles and website devoted to whales. There are painting captions and museum exhibits all containing and straining to announce the word 'WHALE' to its audience. These must all be changed.

Every animal planet video, every national geographic. The more I thought the more my brain grew horrified. It took deliberate and cold concentration and a few advil but I was able to stabilize myself and start the calculations. I realized that the oil companies probably had already had their accountants figure out the numbers but I needed to know for myself.

Weeks later my calculations stopped: to change the 'whale' to 'wale', so that the United States of America (I love you stars and stripes!) would be in line with the law, would cost the oil companies upwards of $36 trillion dollars.

So when you are filling your tank cursing the oil companies for their profits I ask that you stop and realize the battle they face and be grateful you are in the shoes you are in. Be strong America!!